i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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