oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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