I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
