I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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