just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
