Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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