Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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