I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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