i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
