I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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