see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
