everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Randomize
