Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
