Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Randomize
