bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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