When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
