My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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