official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
