god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
