so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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