this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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