I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
