when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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