are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
