2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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