my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
how does that bad decision feel?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize