My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Randomize
