why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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