I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
