I think im going to throw up on grandma
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize