Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
