Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
