Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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