so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
