I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
