He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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