my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
