dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
