my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I wish there were birth control emojis
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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