We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
