I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
