I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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