all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
nutella sex= disaster
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
