I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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