im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Randomize
