So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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