The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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