literally had 100 drinks last night.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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