WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
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