My girlfriend figured out who you are.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
