so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
