if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
