last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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