Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
