Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
