so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
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