I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
