Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
