went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
we're so committed to being not committed
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
