Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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