Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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