Is it because I queefed?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
