we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
