I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
