we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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