mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
