I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
