Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
