dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
