the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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