A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
