Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
