all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
